Love n Other Bullshit to Live Without

The Storm as I see It: Poem

Love is the blind cursor expelled into oblivion,
When it affixes itself to the mysterious unknown,
The overwhelming effect nullifies all logic and reason,
It propels the strongest currents to transpose matter and form,
Solids become liquids,
Frigidness turns incandescent,
Consciousness becomes serendipitous,
And fortitude can melt into cowardice,
Prospective ponds that were once only reflected the sounds of nature,
Become roaring oceans that confuse and disturb foundations,
And the raging storms of ecstasy that seizes the moment to penetrate the calming
Sensation of the silent lucidity.
This fragile nature has the capability to alter the essence of tranquility,
Yet subdue the rippling effects of frenzy,
And although this storm of adoration is imminent, steadfast,  and unrestrained,
That is it's endeavor....
One can either succumb to its inevitable forces and cultivate its energies,
Or be overcome by its potency and vigor.

10/2011 Aimmee Dudevant

SO last night I was posed the question as to why I did not seek or desire love?

To answer me love comes in 2 forms and both are equally scarey. The first form comes from the love that allows you to self manipulate and contour yourself to your partner. Over time this contouring changes into an almost complete metamorphosis where you end up becoming a completely different person. Your desires, beliefs, interests, everything starts to no longer be that of your own. This can turn into either a great union, because as much as you meld into your partner, your partner can meld also into you....creating a singular and beautiful entity. Or in my case, it can build resentment, confusion, dissatisfaction, and longing. This is very heartbreaking and led me in particular in a search for self....completely detaching myself from my love.

The second form comes secondary. You find that perfect soul and being that they not only see you as you are, but who you are meant to be...they also allow you to see yourself through them...the way you never knew yourself. This is to me the deepest type of love that determines the lifeline of individuality. This is the kind of love I had with my ex. When this type of love is shattered, it is not only the love that is shattered, it is the self that is shattered and left broken. For me...finding my perfect self and introducing myself to me was the most important chapter in  my life...but then having that ripped from me, changed my outlook on me, what I was able to give and receive from other people, lovers, and partners.

Either way..these forms of love interest me not. I can never open myself up that way to anyone again. But this does not mean I do not long for tenderness, intimacy, and connection with other people. I embraced what I learned about myself through my ex/ ex's and came to realize, although I have a lot to offer someone and am open to what others have to offer me, it comes with limits and at a cost. I am forever closed off from true love or feeling so deeply for another person, but in small doses with my "partners", I can temporarily journey into the portals of love and then retreat there for some time and then leave. But I can not and will not ever allow myself to be vulnerable to the illusion of love just find solace there in the uniqueness of passerby lovers.